Glut of Globe

Published: 11-Jul-2015

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Globe /ɡləʊb/verb The act of stringing together random words to create an illusion that the content is worth being published in journals of repute. globing; globed; globes Synonyms: gas, faf, shit

“Researchers at K-Block (the research hub of IIMB) have found that globing causes brain cells to die. They explain that the content is so menial that the brain cell feel assaulted and end up committing suicide” - Bilekahalli Times

STATUTORY WARNING: EXTREME GLOBE AHEAD

It is well past midnight but small cohorts of anxious freshers scurry across the campus. One of them breaks away and comes to a stop in front of a sinister door on which hung an ad hoc printed sheet with the words ‘Club Interview – Panel 4’ (Club name not revealed due to trademark issues). He pauses for a moment and inhales. This was his moment of coming. If he got into this club, he would get the much needed resume point to fill that last inch of white on his resume. Yes, what they said was true. It is tough to get in to IIM Bangalore. It is even tougher to get into one of its clubs. With trepidation, he knocks on the door, the door that was his only chance at his ingress into joining the ranks of no-white-space resume owners.

The room looked clean enough to be habitable. A faint smell of recent untidiness still hung in the air giving away the rushed clean up of the room for the interview.

“Please have a seat”’ one of the interview panelists points to a spot in the room. The guy-with-white-spaces-in-his-resume looks back at the panelist confounded. There were both a chair and a beanbag at the pointed spot. What was he supposed to choose? Was it a tacit test? If he chose the beanbag, would it signal too much informality? Would choosing a chair in the presence of a beanbag be read as overtly formal and reduce his chances of striking a good rapport with the panelists? No. Maybe he was overthinking stuff. He had to calm down. He could not afford to have white spaces in his resume. So he chooses the one closest to him. As soon as he takes his seat, pat comes the question

“Why did you choose the beanbag over the chair?”

The guy-with-an-incomplete-resume begins to curse himself. He knew it. It was a bloody test. He should have seen through it. He had overthought and convinced himself of overthinking when he actually was on the right track. He had let emotion take over at that moment. He couldn’t let that happen now. It was a matter of life (read filled resume) or death (read resume with white spaces). To ensure he answers this question correctly, he would have to use pure logic. No emotions. There was no room for mistakes at this stage. His CAT-traumatised brain immediately began to analyse and assimilate the various possible probable plausible explanations.

In reality, he had chosen the beanbag because of its proximity. Put on a simple two-dimensional Cartesian plane, the beanbag was the closest seating option to his location. But speaking the truth here wouldn’t fill the white spaces.

Could there be a more plausible explanation? Think. Come on. There has to be. Time was running out fast. Between the last syllable of the question to the latest argument presented in his mind, a painful 150 milliseconds had passed. Right now, the odds were against him. Choosing the beanbag and signalling informality was much costlier than choosing the chair and being read as overtly formal. Informality at the wrong time would never be forgiven in a business school.

At this critical juncture kicked in his MBA instinct. He resorted to that act which every MBA grad has been doing for years. An act whose secrets are so closely guarded that it has achieved an occult status and come to represent the MBA community ubiquitously. Channeling all his energies into this esoteric talent, he begins his onslaught of globe:

“This great club to which I have applied to primarily focuses on the development of communication, interpersonal skills, and leadership of the student community here. Essentially, the club is focused on enhancing the softer aspects of our personality. Now, given the choice of a beanbag and a chair, I chose the beanbag for two reasons. Firstly, the beanbag is softer than the chair. This shows my inclination towards soft skills and hence my fit into the club functionally. Second, leadership, which is another aspect the club is focused on building, requires humility. When seated upon a beanbag, I will be at a lower eye level to my superiors, that is you, and this way signal my humility and hence my fit into the club culturally.”

The secretary and lead panelist’s eyes swell with tears. He could see in this guy his one-year younger self. This guy was a natural like himself. With silent pride and excitement on the verge of spilling out, he stretches out his hand.

“Congratulations. Welcome to the club.”

Disclaimer: This article isn’t intended to offend anyone nor is it to be taken seriously.

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