Of Marriages and IPOs

Published: 09-Feb-2015

“In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” - Benjamin Franklin “In India, nothing can be said to be certain, except death, taxes and pressure from parents to get married.” - Author

India has given the world many inventions, ideas, and concepts: the ‘zero’, email, jugaad, and then there is arranged marriage. An institution where two people who didn’t know each other’s names till yesterday agree today to spend the rest of their lives together from tomorrow. But the process isn’t as simple as the idea sounds. It is a long, cumbersome one. Well, it is cumbersome for the person who is to be married but a narcotic induced trip for the elders of the family involved.

Chetan Bhagat describes the arranged marriage process as: “Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Girl’s family has to love boy. Boy’s family has to love girl. Girl’s family has to love boy’s family. Boy’s family has to love girl’s family. Boy and girl still love each other. They get married.” But this is blasphemy. Arranged marriage is India’s gift to the world and deserves a longer description. So, I conducted a great amount of research in this complex process, dissecting every step and studying it in detail. This study resulted in a brilliant paper authored by me but sadly, not allowed to be published in any quintessential journal (I wasn’t a nephew of any editor, you see). Hence, the use of this platform to publish my findings to the world. The following are the ground breaking results of my extensive study:

Conclusion: The process of an arranged marriage closely resembles that of an Initial Public Offering (IPO) by a company.

Margin of error: +/- 10 arranged marriages

A company looking to go public first chooses an investment bank, the intermediary to facilitate the process. A family looking for a suitable spouse first chooses a marriage broker as the intermediary. A good reason why a marriage broker and investment banker have to be good at networking. The only difference is that the banker is an overpaid broker.

The investment bank is briefed about the kind of investors to be targeted. Based on these inputs, the banker prepares a list of potential investors. The lawyers then begin the due diligence work, cross-examining the required registration and tax statements, memorandums, and documents to create a shortlist. Similarly, the parents lay down the qualifications necessary for a girl or boy to feature in their consideration set. Based on these usually unrealistic constraints, the broker prepares a list of ‘qualified’ candidates. The conspicuously edited photographs are set on the table and the elders of the family get down to their ‘due diligence’ duties.

After this preliminary work, a strategic meeting is held where the bankers are briefed about the company’s history, financials and managers so that they can sell them to the investors. At this point, a red herring is issued. A red herring prospectus contains all the information about the company except the offer price and effective date of going public. It is an attempt to create hype and sell the company. This is where the parents create a larger than life portrait of the bride or bridegroom that the broker has to send to to-be fathers-in-law topped with his serving of praise. The red herring here includes

a photograph, edited in an attempt to make its subject look like a Bollywood heartthrob (ever wondered why no one is bald on the online marriage portals)

educational qualifications, usually permutations of the different letters of the alphabet

net worth and salary figures, with a few additional ‘zeroes’ added towards the end, and

false, overblown achievements of the subject. Anyone who has ever prepared a resume can empathize with this.

The company and the banker then go on a ‘road show’ where they meet the shortlisted potential institutional investors and court them. Depending on the success of the road show, the security offer price and an effective date to go public are set. The wedding ‘road show’ involves the bride or bridegroom visiting the other’s house and having those shy conversations where none looks the other in the eye (remember the Bollywood movies!). Depending on whether they like each other, the engagement date is fixed. I omit to comment on the offer price fixed as dowry is illegal in this great country.

But there is one difference though. Now, there can be a situation where the equity on offer is oversubscribed. The Companies Act 1956 (now 2013), to accommodate all those who subscribed for the equity, allows for a pro rata allotment where the existing number of shares are allotted in proportion to the number of shares subscribed for. But sadly, the Special Marriages Act 1954 and Hindu Marriage Act 1955 that govern marriages in India do not allow for such pro rata allotment.

Through this, I have made a sincere attempt at explaining the complex process of an Indian arranged marriage through the analogy of a simple process like that of an IPO. I believe this is necessary because the nation wants to know (Mr. Goswami, these are the pressing topics you need to spend more time on, not Rahul Gandhi) this complex process. And also because every youth in India who hasn’t found love will face this phenomenon of an arranged marriage at some point in time and needs to understand the intricacies of the process.

Disclaimer: This article isn’t intended to offend anyone nor is it to be taken seriously.

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Of Marriages & IPOs